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Right or Wrong: 5 lovely questions for Paul
Q&A Relationship Advice
Paul Yacoubian
Issue date: 2/11/09 Section: Opinion
Question: In the weeks following my breakup with my ex, I received emotional phone calls from her, giving me the opportunity to "realize my mistake" and come back to her. Through moral appeals, she tried to convince me how much of herself she poured into the relationship and how crushed she was that it was over. How should I feel about her being upset?
Answer: Presuming that you broke up with her, then you must accept the consequences of a non-mutual breakup. You have to clearly communicate why you decided the relationship was no longer viable. Obviously, you hurt her and should appreciate her feelings for you. While you might like to be friends with her, she will probably not be over you any time soon. So if you do happen to hang around her, try to cut the flirting short so as not to lead her on.
Whatever you do, do not let feelings of guilt absorb you back into the relationship. It is over and hopefully both of you have learned valuable lessons from the experience. To answer your question, no one can really tell you how to feel; that comes naturally. Always trust your intuition.
Question: I dated a girl for two years and decided that after forty plus trips to see her (5 hour round-trip), the relationship was over. I broke up with her in the only way could succinctly express my feelings; I told her that I did not love her anymore on Christmas. Was Christmas the right time to breakup?
Answer: If it is true that you no longer loved her, then the sooner you told her the better. You would not have wanted to wait until after Christmas and knowingly lie to her just for the sake of appeasement. If at all possible, you should try to avoid Christmas as a breakup date, because she will remember and tell everyone she knows about it. Presumably, you knew you did not love her before Christmas, so it could be construed as your fault for not taking swifter action.
Given the length of your relationship, I would assume that a breakup would be very difficult and probably did take an extraordinary situation to merit the courage to do it. Christmas, the celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ, should remind us of how to treat people with respect. Telling her that you loved her when you did not would not have been respectful. In reality, you have a lose-lose situation, because whoever gets dumped will feel hurt regardless of the holiday.
Answer: Presuming that you broke up with her, then you must accept the consequences of a non-mutual breakup. You have to clearly communicate why you decided the relationship was no longer viable. Obviously, you hurt her and should appreciate her feelings for you. While you might like to be friends with her, she will probably not be over you any time soon. So if you do happen to hang around her, try to cut the flirting short so as not to lead her on.
Whatever you do, do not let feelings of guilt absorb you back into the relationship. It is over and hopefully both of you have learned valuable lessons from the experience. To answer your question, no one can really tell you how to feel; that comes naturally. Always trust your intuition.
Question: I dated a girl for two years and decided that after forty plus trips to see her (5 hour round-trip), the relationship was over. I broke up with her in the only way could succinctly express my feelings; I told her that I did not love her anymore on Christmas. Was Christmas the right time to breakup?
Answer: If it is true that you no longer loved her, then the sooner you told her the better. You would not have wanted to wait until after Christmas and knowingly lie to her just for the sake of appeasement. If at all possible, you should try to avoid Christmas as a breakup date, because she will remember and tell everyone she knows about it. Presumably, you knew you did not love her before Christmas, so it could be construed as your fault for not taking swifter action.
Given the length of your relationship, I would assume that a breakup would be very difficult and probably did take an extraordinary situation to merit the courage to do it. Christmas, the celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ, should remind us of how to treat people with respect. Telling her that you loved her when you did not would not have been respectful. In reality, you have a lose-lose situation, because whoever gets dumped will feel hurt regardless of the holiday.
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